The Spy in the Ointment by Donald E Westlake

Author:Donald E Westlake [Westlake, Donald E]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Humour, Espionage
Publisher: MysteriousPress.com/Open Road
Published: 2018-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

12

Karp was waiting for me in his office, as Duff had promised, and was not alone. P was with him, as were three other tough-looking men of P’s generation. As they didn’t identify themselves, and as I was already Q, they had to be R and S and T.

Karp invited me to sit down, which I did, and then, as the others studied me critically, he said to the room at large, “Frankly, we’re rather pleased with our accomplishments in this case. Given an individual with no training or apparent aptitude in this line, without even military experience or training behind him, and with the psychological block of a belief in some sort of religious pacifism—”

“Ethical pacifism,” I said. “Sorry to interrupt, but that’s a different group. You see, the difference—”

“Thank you,” he said. “Perhaps some other time we’ll have an opportunity to discuss the differences. Gentlemen, I think Q himself has just given an ample demonstration of the difficulties we encountered in his case.”

R, a basso profundo, grumbled, “We know it was a tough job, Karp. The question is, did you do it?”

“To an extent,” Karp told him carefully. “To, I believe, a greater extent than anyone could have predicted.” He picked up and ruffled a bunch of papers, saying, “I have here our instructors’ reports, and may I say to begin with that they are unanimous in praising Q’s intelligence, adaptibility, and willingness to co-operate.” He gave me a tiny bow, and the least wintry smile he’d yet bestowed on me, and I felt myself go warm all over. It was like getting that CCNY sheepskin after all, and my pleasure at Karp’s compliment was marred only by the knowledge that I had to be some sort of buffoon to be taking pleasure from such a compliment in such circumstances.

Karp went on, “The instructors, by the way, are also all agreed that they can hardly wait to get back to their normal duties with regular professional volunteer trainees. So much for that. Specifically, our code instructor gives Q highest marks in all areas of cryptography and cryptology, and expresses his belief that Q, unaided, could break any code up to Class Three within one day, and that, with sufficient incentive and training, he could become a full expert in the field. Since philosophy and cryptology are closely related arts, and since Q would appear to have some bent or interest in philosophical theorems, this aptitude is not necessarily to be considered surprising.”

There were about twelve things in those last few sentences I wanted to dispute, and loudly, but I was rather keenly aware that this was neither the time nor the place for it. Instead of speaking out, therefore, I settled more deeply into my chair, set my mouth in grim lines, and began to compose in my head the most vitriolic pamphlet I had written since The Sissy and the Arms Race back in 1957.

While I prepared this polemic, Karp continued unknowingly onward. “Our physical education instructor,”

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